May 05 2008
A long hiatus under water…
It’s been quite some time since I’ve blogged here and on my website astroden.ning.com but I am back and doing better than ever. I had to take a break to do some thinking and healing which lasted a lot longer than I anticipated. I am swimming back towards the surface and slowly emerging refreshed, rejuvenated and relaxed. So you’re probably wondering what happened right? Um…okay.
As everyone who read this knew, I was pregnant with our first child who was due in June…
But I am no longer pregnant.
I had went to the doctor’s office back in January and they told me her heart wasn’t beating. I can’t go into the details too much but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and for a while there, I didn’t want to be alive. I couldn’t interact with the boys for some time afterwards and I was angry that my baby was taken but my husband got to have his children, forgetting that this was his loss also. Around the same time, my little boy had been taken from us and the stress was just too much. I literally crashed and spent weeks laying in bed at my best friend’s home crying and so down I didn’t think I could ever get back to who I was. It took a lot of prayer, mediation and faith but I slowly began to heal and now although I miss her terribly and wonder what could have been, I accept what happened and can go on.
As far as the Scorpio goes…
We are still together. Or should I say, we have gotten back together. His strength, stubbornness and fixed nature refused to listen to me and the more I pushed him away, the firmer he stood still. I would tell him not to call me and he’d call and come by. I’d tell him I hated him and he would tell me how much he loved me. I wouldn’t answer the phone or the door and he’d sit outside the house in his truck. He aggravated me so badly but it got through to me just how much he loved and cared for me. What finally did it was when he came by one day and told me he missed me badly and that that he was losing too much. He was honest and open and that crack in his strong, masculine veneer broke my heart. Baby Cappy (Scorpio’s little boy) was no longer with us, we lost our daughter and now I wanted to leave him and I felt horrible for the way I treated him. Needless to say I went home and we’ve been inseparable every since. It’s as though we are starting over because it all feels so new and exciting. I was comfortable enough to start making love again on my 27th birthday which was Match 14th and it felt just like the first time. We even had a problem in the beginning with him penetrating me, just like the first time. Now we can’t keep our hands off each other and we’re in the process of trying to have another baby.
And my baby Capricorn?
He’s back home for now. His mother dislocated his shoulder dragging him up the stairs and they called the Scorpio at work to let him know. The paramedics called the police and it was a mess but he got to come home and it was so good holding him and not having to let go. He attached himself to me for a while, wanting me to hold him constantly and the Scorpio knew enough to let him be. Now my little guy is back to his normal, serious, independent self and we’re figuring out how the custody thing is going to work. I just know that I’m not losing him again and I mean that. I’m not proud of it but I screamed at her shortly after she took him and I wanted to do more but I was pregnant and the Scorpio was holding me back. I yelled at her that I had been with that child since he was a baby and she acted as though she didn’t want him. I was the one getting up in the night with him when he was crying and sick. I changed diapers and rubbed his gums and held him to my breast to calm him down when his little heart raced. I am his mother or the only real mother he knows and he’s not going anywhere again.
